dinner chats + the chaos of living in England

Another birthday made me realise I’d spent more of my adult life in England than in Canada. I moved here at 22, and somehow ten years had gone by. That is the sort of thought that sends me into an existential crisis while cutting up cheese.

I’d spent the day editing until I felt as though I was going cross-eyed, and it had rained sideways. Making a grilled cheese sounded considerably more manageable than working out the next ten years of my life. It also gave me time to think about why I still love living here, and why that doesn’t make the difficult parts disappear.

Watch the dinner chat on YouTube.

Is moving here worth it?

People ask me whether living abroad is worth the heartache and the financial cost. My answer isn’t going to be the same as everybody else’s. For me, the good parts outweigh the bad, and I love my life here. That doesn’t mean I love every single thing about England.

At the time of this March dinner chat, I hoped to apply for citizenship later in the year. It had been a long and expensive process getting to that point, and I wanted to add up the full cost once the visa situation was finished. I couldn’t give a final total yet.

I’ve met other foreigners who couldn’t get past certain parts of life here and kept comparing them with home. I understand that. If there are too many things you dislike, there are too many things you dislike. I tried moving, and found that the balance worked for me.

I still get comments asking why I don’t go back where I came from if I dislike something. I think that’s a childish response. You can dislike parts of a place and still love living there, and after ten years I notice things that annoy me when I go back to Canada too. Sometimes I find myself wondering why we can’t do something the way England does it.

The part I can’t recreate here

One of the things I love about being here is the history I come across in ordinary places. I recently visited Rochester, with its cathedral, castle and Charles Dickens connections, and I love having that around me.

The hardest part is my family. I can make a version of many parts of my Canadian life here, but I can’t recreate my family and friends. There’s no clever way around that.

I budget each year to go home, usually around summer or autumn, for about two and a half weeks. Those visits are busy because there’s so much family stuff to fit in. For the last four-ish years, my mom had also been coming here for a week before Christmas, which gave us quieter time together. We’d go to the pub, do presents and enjoy some British bits.

That arrangement is a happy compromise, and I’m lucky we can manage it. It doesn’t make everybody nearby, but it means I get both the big family visit in Canada and time with mom here.

A hobby became a rather large part of my identity

I started Adventures and Naps after about two years in England because I was deeply lonely and lost. I needed a hobby, something to put my energy into, and YouTube became that thing. I never expected it to turn into my job.

Now it’s the thing I’ve done longer than any other job, house, school or relationship. That’s difficult to get my head around. Part of my identity has become tied to the channel and to being a Canadian living in the UK, and I need to have an identity outside that too.

I find it hard to picture life without the channel, although I know I won’t necessarily be able to do it as a job forever. I don’t have a tidy answer for that yet, either.

The dinner plan was easier

Normally I’d use cheap sliced bread for grilled cheese, but we had a crusty white bloomer going stale. My usual cheese is the 12-month Davidstow, bought on sale because I’m not made of cheese money. I find the 24-month version a bit too funky for everyday eating.

I also had Edam and Gouda slices after a supermarket offer sucked me in. I used all three cheeses and assembled two sandwiches in the pan, one for me and one for my partner. Getting the cheese lined up was like Tetris, with a good chance of it overflowing.

Will I ever move back to Canada? I don’t know. I feel settled here, and leaving would be bittersweet because England is also home. My immediate plan was much clearer. Eat the grilled cheese with ketchup, watch an episode of The Pitt later and sit on the couch crocheting my blanket. That was enough planning for one evening.