Jeff Bezos made his own milk (it’s as bad as you think)

Finding Amazon’s own semi-skimmed milk online made me shout. Naturally, I bought it, along with a collection of other by Amazon food and drinks. I love a taste test, although committing to six litres of milk before tasting any of it was perhaps optimistic.

The milk was rough. But it would be unfair to judge the whole order by that one aftertaste, because the salt and vinegar crisps and fruit jellies surprised me in the opposite direction. This was a very mixed bag, sometimes literally.

Watch my Amazon food taste test on YouTube.

The snacks I actually wanted more of

I started with the hand-cooked sea salt and vinegar crisps. They’d arrived in a box with something heavy, and before opening the bag I thought they were going to be completely destroyed. Some had survived intact, and there were fewer broken ones than I’d expected.

More importantly, the flavour was properly strong. Sometimes salt and vinegar crisps taste as though an actual salt and vinegar crisp is sitting in another room. These were coated. I like the kind that leave your mouth feeling as though you’ve eaten far too much vinegar, and these absolutely did that.

The one-off price shown during my test was £1.58, which I thought was comparable to my usual Tesco’s Finest crisps at around £1.50. Those were the prices I was looking at for the experiment, rather than a promise about what either bag costs now. Five out of five for the Amazon crisps.

The super soft fruit jellies were another success. I’d expected something along the lines of wine gums, but softer, and they had a good chew without being sour. I don’t want my candy to fight back.

One tasted like orange juice, another seemed like strawberry or raspberry, and later I thought I tasted lemon. Looking at the packet didn’t entirely solve the mystery, but I didn’t care much because they were so fruity. I’d been excited to try them without expecting them to become a favourite. Ten out of ten mysterious fruit flavours.

Even the bacon-flavour rashers worked for me, although I’d describe the taste as smoked ketchup. They’re a maize and rice snack, not actual bacon, and the crunch was excellent. I usually find meat-flavoured snacks rather artificial, so this ketchup-like version suited me better. Seven out of eight, provided you go in expecting that flavour.

Cheap rice that wasn’t worth it

I sometimes use microwave rice packets for lunch while working from home. They’re convenient, even if they don’t compare with rice you cook and season yourself. Amazon’s Mexican-style rice was red, tomato-heavy and, to my taste, completely lacking the warmth promised by its “warmly spiced” description.

The bigger problem was the texture. It was mushy and clumped into a glob that somehow also seemed dry. I wasn’t against the tomato flavour, especially as something you might mix with other food, but I couldn’t get past the rice itself.

The packet was on offer for 49p when I checked, with 58p shown as the price outside the offer. That made it the cheapest packet rice I’d had, and it still wasn’t worth it for me. I prefer the Tesco and named-brand versions I’ve tried. One out of six.

The drink I changed my mind about

The boxed Grenache rosé initially gave me a shiver, and I wasn’t sure that was a good sign. I’m not a wine connoisseur, so my first description was basically “cheap rosé”. It wasn’t particularly dry or bitter, though, and the sweetness was something I liked.

After another taste, I changed my mind. It was growing on me, and I ended up happy with a sweet, flavourful rosé. The fruit jellies went rather well with it too. Sometimes the first sip doesn’t get the last word.

Six litres of regret

The semi-skimmed milk was long-life, which matters. I don’t usually drink long-life milk, and comparing it directly with the fresh milk I normally have wouldn’t be fair.

Even allowing for that difference, I found drinking it from a cup upsetting. It started off creamy and then immediately developed a strange aftertaste I couldn’t describe. I thought keeping something like it for tea or coffee in an office might make sense, but I didn’t test it mixed into either drink. My verdict on the milk as I tasted it was two out of twelve.

Fortunately, the dark chocolate mint thins gave me a better ending. They reminded me of After Eights, although I hadn’t had those in a long time and thought Amazon’s chocolate seemed softer. Eight out of eight. Anything that helped get that milk flavour out of my mouth was welcome.